2 August 2008

Sad day ... remembering my brother ... it's 2 years since he passed away and it still hurts ... every day ...every minute at the moment. It's 4am and sleep just isn't there ... I feel so ALONE ... more alone than I have felt for a long time. Doing a little experiment at the moment and my fears are coming true. My emails are all being stepped over and I really don't know where I am at ... let's see how it goes.

My plans for later on today are to go to the cemetery and take a white rose, as usual, I love you Paul.

I can't forget Zach who passed away this day last year ... how his eyes gleamed ... an online adopted pet.

Ah well, tears are good for you! Or so they say! I don't believe my mantra BTW!

February 23, 2008

Another weekend ... oh how the weeks fly by these days ... I am looking forward to going to work on Monday.

Laid in bed watching The Ninth Gate ... nice but my eyes are closing and I am desperate for a little online company ... never mind there is always tomorrow.

Just a little stressed at the moment.

Today

I am surrounded by friends ... yet why do I feel so alone?

I am my own worst enemy! Always worrying too much what others think of me ... and believing that they have had enough of me ... when I know that is not true.

I suppose I worry about going back to those days when I was alone ... about not doing enough for friendships to survive ... that is why I am OTT and a PITA ... I can't lose anything else!!!!

"My own worst enemy" describes me perfectly ... I should stop apologising and start celebrating cos these people are not gonna leave me ... BELIEVE IN YOURSELF GIRL!

Valentine's Day

Today I celebrate the fact that I have made some really good friends. I've never before in my life felt as complete as this.

Friends are the sisters we choose for ourselves ... never has a truer word been spoken, I always wanted to be close to someone, now I have that and I still cannot believe that there is someone out there that is actually interested in what I am saying.

Thank you Michele with all my heart ... I live in the hope that one day we can meet. You mean so much to me that mere words cannot even come close to describing how I feel.

Tonight I am curling up in bed with my laptop ... watching Raphael ... he soothes the savage beast of melancholy!

In Memory of Paul

Paul

Paul, how can it be 18 months since you left us? Not a day goes by without you, you are my always companion, my guardian angel, the right in my world. I think most of all of what might have been, how things would have turned out for us and of the boys so far away from me now. Today is your special day, the day you were given to the world as a precious gift, today is your birthday. Today I celebrate, for although I feel pain and sadness, deep in my heart there is happiness that you lived.

Pain

Just how can you describe the pain that you feel? Is it the loneliness, that feeling of being so alone, that nobody else has ever experienced it. Not a physical pain, but a mental one, one that no matter how hard you try you cannot expel from your brain. It never goes away, it lessens, but will never leave. It will shape the rest of you life, lead you on the right path and take you to pastures new. You never know at the time that the pain of loss will be the best thing that ever happened to you.